A Bastion of Singular Desires

My second post about IRC

2006-07-05T15:18:30Z

Okay so... looking at my glitched-out friend's page...

It seems we lost two more mods recently. What in the ever-loving shit..

Okay, I know Mazz and Kada are doing bad things... but if you all leave... we're going to be stuck with them and all their "new friends" *coughtheirpeonscough*. How fair would that be? And yes... I know it seems like, even as mods, you don't have a voice anymore. But you still have friends there, and that means a voice. But mabye the answer is a new place to chat... but the again,m it just might happen there as well, eventually. If you can't change it where you've been for years, then how can you stop it at a new place?

Meh... that's all I can think of for now... except maybe can I be invited to wherever you guys go to, because you were the best part about Furtopia.

Oh, it's free... but you gotta earn it!

2006-07-03T14:10:28Z

Could it really be? Will my techie skills really get me a computer for labor? All I have to do is put a super computer back together and I'll get it's replacement all to myself to use. Good... because I like compy a lot better than lappy. See, while the lappy is nice and portable, it's also very 1337 unfriendly. Unless I want to go with the preset settings, things just aren't going to work right on it. So, I'd like a compy a whole lot better. Unfortunately, I can't work on it at home. Good thing is, Dad is probably going out of town today, and will be away for a few months. I've already obtained his permission to use his business office to work in. I can't wait. Except, the computer was overclocked. You know what happens with you overclock a computer constantly? It overheats (not mention a short life, like it's on speed). Low and behold, a fan dies, and 10 minutes later, the cpu is fried, and we're not even sure about the chipset, much less the motherboard. Sigh... I hate overly-1337 techies...

Tomorrow is... A GOD DAMN HOLIDAY! WOOO! I can't wait to wake up and not have to go to work again. I have so much stuff to do tomorrow, and surprisingly (maybe not), none of it has to do with a party. The very party I speak of is the generic "party my sister goes to and I don't". She brought it up, but I'm not much in the mood to party, more to start my fricking project. Sure, I won't get paid for tomorrow, but I'm not in this for gobs of money, like Bruce is (who, btw, is working tomorrow). See you all tomorrow... and trust me... I will be in a very good mood.

Now if only I can find out why I'm not sleeping normal anymore...

Dangit... can't next year come already? I wanna move...

Peace out and stuff. Yes... stuff... stuffity stuff stuff stuff...

Let's see how this goes...

2006-07-02T05:26:07Z

LIVE TRUMPS 1.1

watch BastionLynx fight

CREATE YOUR CARD

I wish I knew more than I do

2006-06-29T15:25:48Z

Something is wrong, and my body knows it. For the past few weeks now, I have been unable to sleep very well. It started off with 12:00 runs and such, but now it's commonly getting past 1:00 before I lay down to sleep. Last night, I didn't ge tto sleep until 3:00. I think something terribly bad has happened to me, and I missed it completely. That, or something really terrible bad is going to happen to me, and I'm seeing it coming now. In any case, I've been getting shit for sleep, which makes me tired. When I'm tired, I'm told I'm cute, but I also have amazing self loathing. Stupid me... and my self loathing... man I suck...

I've been seeing a lot of dissension among the more veteran chatters of Furopia IRC. Guys, I agree with all you say, but I feel i must pint this out: It's all how you make it. It's what's you take from the chat, not what they give you. Sure, you might have less to choose from in some things, but that doesn't mean you still can't get something from it. With that being said, I'd also like to point out that Kada is not viewing it as a chat room where she governs. She now views it as a chat room she frequents, has more power in, and talks to only a select few. Therefore, she is not making decisions based on the good of all, but how she feels about. To any OP reading this, you'll notice that she's going to start making more arbitrary rules outside of due process. In fact, you'll notice her make up rules on the spot during chat, just so she can more effectively tell someone they can't do something she doesn't want them to. It is her perogative I guess, but good luck on that...

...glad I'm not an Op...

I know! I'll help you guys out by creating the "Furtopian Rules Page of Rules Kada Has Stated That I've Seen Other Ops Break" web site. That way, you guys won't seem like such big hypocrites. Seriously, you've drven away tons of people, and only with rules. You don't know how many times I've seen a normal chatter gets his/her ass chewed for doing something, and then another Op will come in later that week and do it without penalty. That shit is frustrating to no end. And I know it's not always the Op's fault, because they don't know. But it really doesn't help anything... I mean fucking ANYTHING, when you assholes flaunt it in front of us when I confront you on it. And I've seen it done, and by all you "great ops", especially to me. A lot of you guys can be real jerk-offs... I swear to god...

Alright... calm down... it hasn't happened recently... except Lobar using omg... but that's different. Dumb rule Kada had come up with on the spot...

Bleh, I'm done...

Love... dammit dammit...

2006-06-28T21:23:03Z

A couple who work together got married over the weekend. How sweet... the "Just Married" graffiti has stained their car...

Anyway, I talked to my mom, which I don't know why I do that anymore. It seems one of her missions in life now is to point out all the bad of love to me. The most recent event is when I brought up the theory "In love, it's said that the other person means more to you than yourself". Now, I've pointed to this as an over simple way to look at decisions based in love, but Mom had to go and shoot me down again. She basically said that while it was noble, and doable in extreeme cases, like taking a bullet, humans in general are not capable of surrendering their vices.

She told me of a little ritual they do, my mother and step-father. They love lobster, they love it a lot. On the rare occasion they get some, she does something interesting. What she does is she takes a large chunk of lobster and puts it aside. Then, when all the rest of the lobster is finished, she'll offer it to Bob (my step dad). While that is sweet, it means more bad than good. First, it's a frivolous sacrifice, meaning nothing. It's food, food is replacable, no meaning on giving it away, none at all. Maybe, if it was the only meal they were having all week, and they were both starving... but they're not, they aren't. And two, even with such a pointless sacrifice, she has a very hard time, and the only way for it to even happen is by ritual. She wouldn't do it normally, and it's not a big sacrifice.

I think, well, like to hope, that if you truly loved somebody, those simple sacrifices would be no problem for you, no sacrifice would be. But then, Mom makes me think pessimistically, that nobody but a rare few can be that noble. I don't want to believe her, but she HAS been around the clock several times in life, and she makes a good point. And... I haven't seen it yet, not with me anyway. So why should I believe in something I can't see? Funny question, like, why would somebody believe in God? I guess we just believe in these things that have a good chance of not existing, from it we gain a reason to live, or at least, hope.

Feh... can't see why I need that either... but evidently, I do...

What you all have been waiting for... Random Stuffage

2006-06-28T17:17:29Z

Bruce tried to shave my head yesterday, and then Steve tried... and then he (Steve) said my other head... >.>

Nothing related to this though:
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y89/Nuvapci/Shaved1.jpg
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y89/Nuvapci/Shaved2.jpg
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y89/Nuvapci/Shaved3.jpg

That's Rocks, I named him 14 years ago when we got him as a puppy... poor dog...

Oh look... my cable company for the high-speed owes me ten cents... keep up the good work you guys...

---

When my Computer Breaks Down at Work
By Chris Horwath

Oh woe is me, the one who sits at a new desk each day
My fucking computer broke
It wasn't my fault, the ones above thought it was gay
They view my job as a joke

Away they went, removing admin right after admin right
As though it wasn't mine
So after I go, and it tried to update every night
Everything failed everytime

Now it be broke, BITCH!
Fuck you...

---

God Dammit! I need to post something serious!

Set up online

2006-06-17T22:11:31Z

Today...

...I said something that really hit home with Misty... it made me feel good... and I'm going to do it to Bruce tonight if he tries to get me for it...

Time to be a monster again, I'm tired of this shit.

In other news, I now have AIM and Y!M accounts set up. Bastionlynx on both of them. Add me, I add you. Although, with where my mind set is going, I might not to be fun to talk to for a while.

Another round of useless

2006-06-14T14:30:54Z

Felt like taking some online quizzes... it's been a while...

That that gross quiz was extreemely biased if you ask me...

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 60% Conservative, 40% Liberal

Social Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

You Are 60% Cynical

Yes, you are cynical, but more than anything, you're a realist.
You see what's screwed up in the world, but you also take time to remember what's right.

How Cynical Are You?

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.
Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.
You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.
Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.
For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

Your Emoticon is Cool

You're not feeling particularly up or down, just relaxed and calm. You're ready for whatever is going to happen next!

What Emoticon Best Represents You Right Now?

You Are a Beagle Puppy

Cheerful, energetic, and happy go lucky.
And you're sense of smell is absolutely amazing!

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

Your Dosha is Pitta

You have a quick mind, a gift for persuasion, and a sharp sense of humor.
You have both the drive and people skills to be a very successful leader.
Argumentative and a bit stubborn, you have been known to be a little too set in your ways.
But while you may be biased toward your own point of view, you are always honest, fair, and ethical.

With friends: You are outgoing and open to anyone who might want to talk to you

In love: You are picky but passionate

To achieve more balance: Be less judgmental of those around you, and take cool walks in the moonlight.

What's Your Dosha?

You Are 68% Gross

You're pretty dirty, and there's a good change you're living in a total dump.
And your body? Not too clean either. Watch out for killer bacteria, Pig Pen!

How Gross Are You?

Your Personality Is Like Cocaine

You're dynamic, brilliant, and alluring to those who don't know you.
Hyper and full of energy, you're usually the last one to leave a party.
Sometimes your sharp mind gets the better of you... you're a bit paranoid!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

And what I found there...

2006-06-14T02:13:57Z

For those of you who know the only part of my past I have cared to make public, this might mean something. For the rest of you, ask those who know, or piece it together yourselves.

I came across this saved email of mine when searching my archives of what I saved from all my time at job corps. Hidden away, forgotten, and encrypted with a password. This emailed I received from Guardian Angel, GA, Jessica... Roach Clip... Jason. He had sent me this two days before I was told, a week before I told the others.

I’m sharing this now so that anyone who reads this will have a better understanding of who I was… and in a lot of ways... who I still am inside.

Hey Chris,

yah the movie had a lot of controversy, was in the paper.
it’s the different views of the different religions and all, so it’s been in a bit of controversy and all. Also the character who played jesus, and when he was on the cross that they sent him on, he had got shocked by lightning and almost died on the set, so that also played a major part into what happened, and what probably is in the paper. So that’s probably what you’re gonna read about in the paper if you find it.
So anyways the movie was good, it just had a lot of blood,
and a brutal scene in which i couldn’t stand too well,luckily
i had my sweater, but still very sad on what happened. well i’ll talk to you later, i’m gonna be away from the computer all weekend just to let you know, gonna be with my friend. so i’ll talk to you monday, i might stop by tomarrow for a very short time to say hi but that’s probably the most that i’m gonna be able to go on for.
i love you,
Jessica

oh yes, i might say what i need to say though as i feel like i might need to say it... but if you don’t want to see it for
fear of something then you might not want to scroll all the way down... i’m gonna make a large indent so then if you don’t want to look it’ll be just fine...
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
...
...
...
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
...
..
..
..
..
...
...
...
...
....
...
...
...
...
...
....
....
....
...
...
..
.

ok this seems a big enough dent so if you didn’t want to see what i put down here it would be ok... so anyways if you’re reading this right now, please don’t get offended. you know i love you and allit’s just i feel i need to say it and if you didn’t want to know i’d understand...
but i’m bisexual.
i’m gonna be with my girlfriend this weekend, i just didn’t want to say it up there if it were to offend you in any way... so if you read this. i hope you don’t get mad.
i love you,
Jessica

I am a monster…

I hate... but who cares

2006-06-12T14:11:12Z

Well, my lappy is a piece of shit...

I'm going to have to return it. It came with software I do not want, and while I would just wipe it, the DvD player turns out to not be working on it. I can't use my Windows XP disk, or any other disk for that matter. It's something hardwar within the connection of the laptop, because nothing seems wrong with the drive. I did not pay $700 for a crap electronic device I can't use. Hopefully, I can get my money back, so that I can get something better for cheaper elswhere (already found it).

Okay, so, it's getting very hard for me to live with other people. I'm starting to really hate... everybody... and it's driving me insane. It's just so much easier to live alone, without anyone else's opinion to worry about. As of right now I have to worry about being polite, understanding, "civil" (as Bruce puts it), etc. etc. I'm tired of it, really, it gets on my nerves. This becomes especially apparent when I have to play my character in Exalted. The starting story line is that the ex-lover of a powerfull god kidnapped the priest of his following to get back at him. She then headed east to her hiding place. My explanation of the events to the pirate of our group "A slut took the priests, headed that way *points*". I felt so comfortable saying it that way too. I hate using tact, and I hate being polite. It got me in trouble with the one female of the group, as she thought I was talking about her. Threatened to kill me, yada yada...

Bruce and I had a talk yesterday about how we all felt like assholes that day (him Misty and myself). It eventually led to how it's so much easier to live alone. He called me a turtle-hermit, I said there was nothing wrong about that life, he called me it again, didn't illiterate. I just walked away, I'm also very tired of head games. Sure, I might be becoming a cycnical hermit, but I don't care, and after two months, no one else will either.

---

Well, I had posted the lyrics to the song, but upon closer listening, I found the words were a bit... different

Big train rolling down the line
Makes me lonely
Sometimes... I wish... to ride away
Sometimes... I want... to ride away

Big plane flying through the clouds
Makes me worry
Sometimes... I wish... to fly away
Sometimes... I want... to fly away

But you can't judge a book
By looking at the cover
You can't love someone
Unless you're with another, no
You can't win a war
Fighting with your brother
You wanna have peace?
Gotta love one-another

Big guns lighting up the sky
Makes me worry
Sometimes... I wish... to run away
Sometimes... I want... to run away

But you can't judge a book
By looking at the cover
You can't love someone
Unless you're with another, girl
You can't win a war
Fighting with your brother
You wanna have peace?
Gotta love one-another

I have seen my brothers
In ashes on the ground
And maybe in a new life
We can turn this thing around...

But you can't judge a book
By looking at the cover
You can't love someone
Unless you're with another, girl
You can't win a war
Fighting with your brother
You wanna gonna peace?
Gotta love one-another

No you can't judge a book
Gotta love one-another
Can't judge a book
No you can't judge a book...

...and there was much celebrating...

2006-06-09T13:47:24Z

I get my lappy today!!

Wee fucking woo! *dances*

Next stop internet connection! *sucks off the bread of a nearby sphere*

You can just

2006-06-08T14:19:55Z

"You might not need variety, but some of us can't live like this. All you need is to be locked in your room, have an unlimited supply of cheeseburgers, fries and ketchup, listening to the same song over and over until you die and you'll be good..."

He might be an asshole, but he might also be right...

In other news, he wants to take Misty to a Strip Club, probably that one on Platte, near our house. He invited me along, I think I'll go... too bad they don't have fries though (I had asked when I was eighteen).

At night...

2006-06-07T21:25:45Z

You know, I think I'm just going to do sit-ups, running in place, and lifting my golf clubs like weights all day after work because I have nothing else to do... grxbth!

Pointless Thoughts and Nightmares

2006-06-06T15:08:02Z

So, I slept a lot yesterday.

Right after I had eaten some Mac N Cheese, with some fries, I zonked right out and slept for four hours. Where as then I missed Medusa's calls for almost as long. When I woke up, it had been over 20 minutes since her last call. Luckily, I was able to get her call at like, 9:10 and we talked for a while.

During the talk, I had taken a walk to a far away Seven-Eleven to pick up something to drink, which turned out to be a slurpy. On the way back, some homeless guy called out to me, or at least, he seemed homeless to me after a while. He tried to tell me he could tell me, that I was heavy, and gravity hurt me. He then went on to tell me that the average movie costs 25 Million. He talked about Frank Sinatra, and his daughter Nancy. He talked about getting beat up by his wife, and then his body guards hitting her back. At some point I turned on the speaker phone so that Medusa could listen too. Eventually a girl came by and distracted him, where as then I was able to get away with him only squeezing my hand and warning me to stay healthy and if he ever saw me in his hospital...

The whole thing took about 25 minutes, and Medusa wasn't listening, so I felt bad for making her feel ignored on the phone. That coupled with me being out of it, her pissed off, and the fact I accidentally hung up on her trying to end another call on the phone, left me in a petty bad state when I got into bed. I found myself thinking of this movie that had Jim Carrey in it, about a movie director that had been accused of being a communist, and then getting into a car accident that night. He woke up in a small town with no memory of who he was but everyone there thought they knew him as someone else.

What if I lost my memory over night like that? How would people I know and talk to go about explaining who they are, and who they were to me. If I couldn't remember how to do anything in the job that I work in, would they still keep me on and retrain me? If not, would anyone take me in until I could find a new job to do? All very pointless wondering I'm sure but still... gotta wonder about that every once in a while.

Then I went to sleep, and flashes of different nightmares haunted me. In one, my next paycheck was only $512, and that I didn't have enough to get the lappy I wanted. Even worse, while arguing with Bruce about it, I accidentally threw it away and couldn't get it back again. In another flash, I was hearing Medusa's voice telling me that she was just going to hang up on me for some reason I couldn't figure out. Probably had to do with me making her feel ignored. Other flahses, getting fired, car breaking down, getting kicked out of the house, over and over. It was a pretty restless night, and I feel completely like poo today.

Also, I think I'm coming down with a cold, as I'm always tired and my throat always feels dry. I've been gagging a lot. I think I jynxed myself when I claimed I would not get sick my first winter in Canada. Bleh...

I'm gonna go get more hot chocolate... don't wait up...

A weekend of doing nothing

2006-06-05T15:28:15Z

Jenny called again. I say that first because it's all I have to say on that... kerbleh!

I watched waterworld on Saturday, and you know what? It has suddenly occured to me that I got two fundamental codes of conduct for my life from it. Well one, really, the other one is just an addition to what makes up the whole. The first is smoking. I remember now, as a kid, seeing the expressions on the faces of the "smokers" as they were given a single ciggy. Even when I was young when the movie was new, I did not want to be that out of control. And yes, while the movie is unrealistic, I still did not even want to take the chance if it lead to that kind of act. Next was my extreemely rigid view on sex. There is two sceenes tied to it: First, Helen (main female role) offers herself to the Mariner to keep the kid on the boat, and he turns her down; Second, she asks why later on, after the kid was kidnapped, why he had turned her down, and the answer was simply "Because you didn't want me, not really..." I guess that stuck with me, that kind of noble ideal. It has since evolved since then, and I've learned to accept that what happened right after that line doesn't happen in real life, but the basic premise stays the same.

Moving on
"What? No! Uh... *phone makes the shut down noise* goodbye! Darnit!" Is it really that hard to say goodbye before the phone dies?

The Flying W Ranch sucks big sweaty balls, it was just just like being in Job Corps again. Okay, so I wan't paying for it, and when I'm offered free stuff, I usually take it. Well, the place sucks, it really does. I have never seen such a fake collection of wannabe cowboys, and that was just the people who paid to go there. Stupid shops to buy fake clothing, stupid train ride that costs money and goes slow, etc etc. Oh, for those of you not knowing what Flying W Ranch is (most of you), it's a cowboy themed tourist attraction/resturaunt. The only thing I enjoyed was climbing the rock steps to the top of this one rock like they let us do (not like we can climb on the surrounding rocks). However, at 7:15, they rind the dinner bell and everything shuts down. The we have to make our way over to the eating area, to wait a long time to eat.

Finally, some idiot dressed in cowboy gear tries to make jokes while telling us how we shall get our food. He tells us jokes because there are a hundred of us. He tells us jokes because we are about to be herded like cows and he wants to take our minds off of things. Okay, this is how things went: First, we go in groups, controlled by the color of the table we were sitting at (they were more like huge picnic tables though); next we get up, and walk in a huge line behind the fence to the food, which is arranged buffet style. If you ordered a steak, get one (we did not pay for anything, so no steak) and then move on; then, get the beans (nasty stale things), the chicken/roast beef, applesause (apple chunks really, those lazy bastards), store-bought bicuits ("our home-made buscuits are the best in the nation"), and an aluminum "classic-feel" can of lemonade. Mooooooo (Bruce, Misty and I don't mind, we're far too used to it).... we finally get our food, and there's no music playing or entertainment going. These people are supposed to be famous for it. Ten minutes after I'm done eating, some other idiot in cowboy gear comes out and informs us that the show will start in ten minutes. I wisely... collect Bruce and Misty and we high-tail it over to the new DvD/CD/Game shop and pick out some new movies to watch. End of story...

Hooray for personal convos, how many hours now on the phone... 50.. wheee!

Eh, I'm tired...
THE END (suddenly, and I had more to say too)!

The Aftermath

2006-06-01T14:16:43Z

And in the end... nothing changed...

Misty is still here, still asking to use my stuff. I know something in me would've missed her for a while if she had left. But as Bruce pointed out, she's needy towards me and I'm hostile towards her... "Makes for an awesome friendship!" She's still holding onto him, which I think he wanted, arms wrapped around his chest from behind. She's still sleeping in the same bed with him, which I think he wanted too. Nothing has changed at all, so meh.

Steve said he liked the melodrama but didn't feel one way or another about it.

Okay, so I changed. They might think it's all over, that things are going back to normal, but they aren't. Maybe it's that I just don't like people or something. How did that line go? "It's ironic, I hate people, but love gatherings... it's strange." Whether Bruce was lying to me or he just really didn't think about anythign that was happening, it doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is that I fall apart, trusting people seems to wear me out, and I would just as soon jump to a defensive position as soon as something goes wrong, opposing everyone and trusting no one.

Last night, it rained, pretty hard too. I wanted to listen to the rain, but the gutters were guiding all the water to this one stream that was hitting mud and sound disgusting. So, I went to my car to listen, because in the car, you can hear all the droplets the hit all around on it with clarity. In the car, with the seat all the way back, I realized i was more comfortable in there than in my own room. That was just because I like more enclosed areas and the car is smaller, but still. I looked around and imagined living in it. I would do it too, just drive in a direction for the day, plugging things in to keep them charge, like my toothbrush, and electric shaver, maybe my lappy too. And, I tell you this now, if I had a way to forever fund my gas and food, I would do it. I wouldn't need food so much, just a lot of gas.

Kinda lonely though, be that doesn't bother me too much. Especially if I had a lappy. Also, I'd wake up whever get on the net for a bit, travel for a while, eat, get on the net again, maybe play some games on the lappy, write for a bit, travel again, and then find a place to park and sleep. Wish I had the unlimited funds to do it. If I won the lotto for millions I would...

Although, that bookstore sounds nice, escpecially if I live in the same building... millions would help with that one too...

That's the end!

Decisions made by others

2006-05-31T20:50:16Z

Is it a bad thing when you notice that someone is putting any sort of trust into you?

Well, Misty did just as I thought, and decided to take off when she heard her options. Bruce didn't even wait for Steve to show and I was in the bathroom, he just laid down on the table the choices she had. She, of course, took the running away express and left for a bit. Which pissed Bruce off more than I thought it would. He says it's because we'd be messing with the money, I know better. I don't mind paying Misty's 250 this month, and I certainly don't mind as all hell paying 325 a month for rent.

"Sure, if you want to view it that simply. You're like a caveman, living in his hovel, only coming into the woods occasionally to piss and find something to eat. That's all you need... that and a lappy with a wireless connection..."

Okay, so apparently my over simplification finally got to Bruce, and he told me so, then called Misty back to get her stuff. I tried the best I could, I got in the way, I stuck around, I talked about not wanting to go to club parties, but I really wanted to go to house parties, but no dice. Eventually, I was forced to leave and they had time alone to talk about things...

...right, might as well bring this up... I learned some nw things about what had happened. Apparently, Misty's friend was involved in all of this more than I thought. It turns out, that it wasn't just because Bruce wasn't saying "I love you", although that was the case...

I have no sympathy for those involved, they deserve all of what they got, that's all the judging I shall do for this.

As before, Misty's friend was visiting from Tennessee. Well, Misty had invited her into the room, naked, with them, while they were naked, and then proceeded to have sex with Bruce in front of her. Misty's friend hinted at wanting to get involved, so when Bruce Misty get done, he fingers Misty's friend.

Misty did not like that at all, even though she said she liked it when Bruce fucked with other girls. And that's where we were yesterday, just that Bruce lied to me...

Anyway, Misty had at first decided to move to Tennesee with her friend. Fine, rent goes up $75 each of us, I can handle that. We need to suddenly come up with 250 extra bucks? I can handle that too. Bruce doesn't like it. He says that he doesn't like his money being fucked with, more lies. He says he wants her gone but doesn't want to be screwed over on the lease, more fucking lies. He's even lying to himself on this one, and not just to me.

So, he talks her out of it kind of, she's still deciding though. I just want her gone, I want them all gone really, I just want to leave this whole mess behind and live somewhere else. But, i'm too honorable, and responsible for that. Or... I'm too afraid. I don't care enough to find out anymore, there's no point in knowing. I can't change anything, it'll just have to change itself before I can do anything.

...this is what I get for trusting...
...again...
...you'd think I would have learned by now...

The situation darkens...

2006-05-30T13:40:03Z

...and yesterday was going so well too...

The barbecue was nice, once we got the darn grill working. Steaks all around! The family brought random things too, chips, corn, wine, potato salad, dogs... it was pretty fun. Cooking with full heat (finally) got the smoke really going, as it burned off a lot of stuff Bruce got on the heat rocks and actual metal grills. We had soda, told stories, it was great. Afterwards, as the day wound down, and everyone was taken home, I was resting in my room, trying to concentrate on that sound file I've been experimenting with.

I was aware of a fight that was taking place, but I didn't care, the only thing that bothered me was images of Misty asking for a favor from me because she wasn't sleeping in the same room as Bruce anymore. That of course, was not the case mearly an hour before then. So, I lay there for a longer while and suddenly Bruce comes into my room to tell me soom news.

"Oh Wathles, I have some important things to tell you. Yeah, Misty said she won't be here for a few days. She got all mad at me and blah blah blah..."

Apparently, Misty became this... girl... and completely blind sided us. See, we were cool with sharing rent with her, and living with her, because we was this simple person up in Job Corps. She did not beat around the bush, she was direct, and her desires were simple and easy to understand. She was told that Bruce could not love her, she was told that they were just going to be "friends with benefits" forever, she said she was fine with that.

She lied.

Well, as it turns out, she eventually couldn't take the fact that he never said "I love you", or showed any inclination of ever loving her. With her friend egging her on (most likely) with words of bitchitude (I don't care what you girls think of that, the fact that you are always saying "you deserve much better, he should show more affection" makes bitches out of some girls, learn to love what you got dammit), Misty said that she's going to take a few days to think about things and just left. With that action, I no longer trust her.

Let's start with the direct affect of this:

Bruce no longer wants to sleep with Misty in the same room, let alone sleep with her. But the house only has three rooms... so Bruce is thinking of moving to the studio room above us. Steve and I are in agreement though, if there will be any moving, it's her, not Bruce. We'll still help pay for the rent of the loft, and she's welcome to visit, but we want her to move out not Bruce, because we can't stand Misty anymore. Bruce said that we're the only ones who could afford to move out at this point not her, so she'd get to stay downstairs.

That creates a problem though, because if Bruce goes up, he'll take the full rent of the studio and have Steve, Misty and I split the rent, and I don't trust Misty to stay around much longer. And while the place is nice, I'm not paying $500 a month for it... it's not THAT nice (still needs it's plumbing fixed, the carpets put in, etc.).

Still, in my mind, she's alreay left for good. In fact, in our discussions tonight, I'm going to voice my opinion that she should go find a new place, and that Steve, Bruce and I will take care of the rent. That effectively raises our rent from 250 to 325 but it's a price I'd be willing to pay to get rid of her. I know that sounds cold, but I no longer have the capacity to muster any compassion for her. She wants to act childish, let her, and let her suffer the consequences. I can't feel sorry for her because everytone told her this and she acted like it was fine, while still thinking the female "I can change him later".

And, this is yet another relationship, and one especially close to home, that is another failure. It even affects Steve and I, that's how close to home. That's why I can't feel sorry for her. First, it's a relationship, bane of happiness, destroyer of stable situations, and second, she's the one who's ending the damn thing. I'm tired of the indirect insults and the talking behind everyone's back. I really do want her gone, she used to be cool, but now she's not, she's just another Illeen (My father's ex).

Oh, and I'm never coming to work early in the morning again (this sucks)!

Late night shift, woo!

2006-05-29T07:05:41Z

Well, here I am, 12:00 am - 8:00 am on Memorial Day at work... and I gotta tell you, I like this shift a lot. Too bad I can't get it...

Creating a character for Exalted (an RPG game with dice and all), and I came to realize something. See we get to create "intimacies", beliefs or people that we hold closely to our hearts, and a lot would have to be done to break us of them. They don't nessessarily have to be good either. Here's one of them I'm using from me imposed onto the character:

"The subconsious belief that at the root of all pleasure there is evil, and therfore, is subconsiously afraid of any pleasure beyond that gained from nessessity (food and drink to stay alive, sleep, etc), and will choose to avoid any situation or person that would lead to pleasure beyond the nessessary (sex, drugs, alcahol, etc.)."

That fits me so well, I am so afraid of... anything in that area. I unconsiously avoid anyone I know who's using drugs, obviously I'm how I am about relationships right now, but several other things too. If there is a movie scene that makes me cry, I will watch it over and over again until I don't cry at it anymore. If there is a song that makes me emotional, I will listen to it on repeat for days until it's just another song. I act silly to avoid realizing how I feel, and I use humor to escape what's supposed to be serious situations.

I hide in video games if things get too close, and I've always got Pebkio for if I get too angry. My whole life is a never ending session of avoiding any deep feelings. I've even started sharing more personal information about me in an attempt to take meaning out of them. And it's not like i'm doing this on purpose, it's just happening this way. I even wonder if the only true feeling I have is hatred, but so as not to find the truth, I will think about it in a grander scale of "human Nature" and not "Bastion Nature". And now that I've figured this out, I'm posting it on my LJ so I don't have to really face it either. I can just share, and everything is better...

I could face it, but there is a conscious fear I have as well. I am afraid of finding out who I really am. I'm terrified that the me from three years ago is the real me, and equally for the me from when I was a preteen. I don't want to be a nobody, and I don't want to spite everything that breathes. I tell myself that anyway...

... >.>

Other than that, Exalted looks like it should be lot of fun...

Pebkio’s real name is Jonathan Pebble, and he was the last of his line, a somewhat wealthier family of mundane bookkeepers. Before the disappearance of the Empress, they had been employed by House Ragara, but when the realm lost its glorious leader, the Pebble family was released of service and sent to survive without the help of Exalted support.

As the funds started to dwindle, the elders of the house turned to Jon as the saviour of their name. They spent the rest of the family fortune on his schooling, focusing on linguistics and bookkeeping, hoping he would become a respectable information broker, or at least the accountant of a neighboring house that still might be in need of their services.

Jon was actually quite adept when it came to researching information, and his memory was top notch. The only problem was that his area of interest lied in more… arcane areas, no use to anything except his fantasies of glory. The elders had tried to dissuade him from his hobby, as it was impeding his studies in more practical sciences, but Jon’s conviction was too strong for even the entirety of his family.

Making matters worse, Jon had turned to trespassing to find more and more obscure books, and soon, he was expelled from school after getting caught too many times in forbidden sections of the libraries. With their reputation tarnished, the Pebble family, with the exception of Jonathan’s mother, Lillian, turned their wrath squarely towards Jon, and ostracized him, forever stripping him of his lineage.

For five years, he traveled from town to town, trying to get work anywhere. He had taken up the name Pebkio, but without a real name or a family, most people did not want to deal with him. Finally, he found work in Bent Creek/Puyo with an old lady named Veranda, who was running a book store, with some very interesting books on ancient lore. Oddly enough, she was excited to hire someone without a real name and banished from his home. It was through her that he had learned the Old Realm language.

Shortly after gaining employment, he ran into the unfortunate event of becoming a Solar Exalted. Throughout his life, he had heard of the Anathema, and how the Solar Exalted were supposed to be the downfall of society, as well as Creation itself. However, it had never really factored into his world view before then. There was a Wyld Hunt that one of his friends had gone on, but he was never that interested. Now that he was a Solar Exalted, he did not view it as a curse, but as a doorway to learn more about the Chosen of the Unconquered Sun.

Ever since then, he has been delving into the history of the Anathema, with surprise help from Veranda, who seems very knowledgeable about the subject; and as yet, no Wyld Hunt has come for him...

Meme and a message

2006-05-27T13:11:43Z

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Sense of Humour
In a survival situation, you:	Act crazy as a diversion
Your hidden talent is:	Spiritual wisdom
Your gift is:	Genius
In groups, you:	Are the center of attention
Your best quality is:	Your compassion
Your weakness is:	Your coldness

Quiz created with MemeGen!

I'm sending out those nudges today...

Those being left out, giselleslash and brownleopard.

---
Edit:
Well, it seems only mutual friends can nudge each other. That means I won't be nudging anyone that isn't a friend of mine, which is exactly opposite of what I planned.

So, um... aside from the two I listed above, I do believe I'm about to get very cynical on your asses and just remove you at the end of the week. Like you care or read this shit anyway...

Other things

2006-05-26T18:20:52Z

I shall be on
Saturday from 7:30 - 4:00
Monday from 12:00 am - 8:00 am
See you all then, if you want to see me, and google talk shall be open to me because Martin wil not be here then yay...
...maybe Saturday, doubt it...

Oh, and they gave me a disciplinary ritten warning for my several instinces of being late, so bleh. I migh tjust start leaving Bruce at home because he's been waking up late recently, like a lot, and I've been waiting for him. I'm not a mother, I don't make sure he's awake thirty minutes prior. Kerblah!

Stuff... head hurts...

Been caught chattin...

2006-05-26T17:22:58Z

I was talking to KS about... something... when a tap came on my chair. Behind me, was the ultimate evil of my company, Martin, ye ol' local IT guy. "That better be Jabber". Oops...

---

"No, it's gmail..."

"Only Jabber, this isn't a warning, I'm sending an Email to your manager, you've been told..."

The next day:

Email email email email...
*clicks on the send/recieve button*

"Dear Strong Bad"
Cough...

"Team,

Please be advised that Google Talk chat utility is also not permitted, per HP. Thank you.

Best Regards,
Laura (ker-blocked)
Team Manager"

---

My head has been hurting all day long. And it's not because I was caught chatting to people outside of HP either. Although it seems that I'm loved somewhere, because the email was sent to save my rear. As far as they know, I'm the only one in existance that uses it, so for them to send it to everybody is to cover for me. Otherwise, it'd be an email to me "You're fired" or "You're getting a pay cut" or "You're getting fined". Bleh.

No, I think it's that darn sound file I've been listening to. Some of you might now it, the Furry Transformation MP3. Now, I've been severely interested in suggestive manipulation, hypnotism, subliminal messages, the whole works. Always wanted to see the affect it would have on me. So when I find some thing as harmless as "See yourself furry omg!" I look into it.

I get it, burn it to a CD, yadda yadda. Listen to it all the way through and playing along. Sure trance, woo, now he tells me what to do and tries to get me to subconsiously think that waht it's trying to get me to do is normal. I know there more stuff going on under his voice, because my muscels are going crazy, ticking away at me, sure sign that's its trying to respond to commands it doesn't recognize. Oh well, that's great. I was able to listen to it all the way and finsish up. In my opinion, I can now sleep to it and it'll do the same thing for me.

Weirdest sleep session in years...

Same thing last night too...

Now, my head hurts, bleh... I'm going to try morphing tomorrow though...
I'm also leaving work early today, I'm feeling sick to my stomache and very tired and the like.
Finally, because of the above events, I won't be on gmail as much, just need to wait until my lappy...

That's about it... I just need to... work... wor... zzzz....

Life sucks

2006-05-23T16:27:12Z

Just when I thought it was alright to try to be happy again, life sucks the big one. Aside from loads of cash being drained from my account, my tire decided it was the best time ever to deinflate itslef while parked. So, my tire is broken, and it's looking like it's the air intake. Hey, even worse, the air intake is ground down on one side... I couldn't fill the tire if I wanted to. No money, no tire, no work, and stuck miles from home... sigh...

This is on Sunday, btw...

Then mom came through and lent me some cash. We found a spare in the car, but that thing was drained to nearly empty as well. I had to limp... very slowly... to the gas station to get air. The spare isn't even a spare, it's like a tiny donut like thing. Well, I inform Bruce of the problem, and shortly thereafter, I get a call from Misty "What are you doing with the car after you get it fixed". I'm going to work, I have to, as soon as I get the damn thing fixed, how fucking presumptuous of her. Still it might be an emergency... "Why?"

"Because"

I hate damn mind games! DE-FUCKING-NIED!
I had trouble sleeping when I got home...

The next day, I woke up, called in late, then got to work with what I needed to do. I packed away all of my gamming equipment, made a few calls, and was ready to leave when Misty showed up from wherever the hell she was hiding. She didn't get to go to work today, because she relies on me for a ride on Sunday nights, no buses run. So, knowing that she needed something, I invited her along with me. The first stop was Midas, where they were going to repair my tire for relatively cheap. The next stop was a pawn shop, where I was able to get some pretty good deals. Pawning all of my games, my gamecube, it's additions (portable screen and gameboy player), the controllers, and a few ps2 stuff, I was able to get a whopping $100. Next stop was the bank to find out why my money had gone to shit. Got the charges for overdraft reversed, no luck on the $200, I had spent it, but six days prior to when they withdrew it, those lazy bums.

All that done, Misty wants to go to one of those cash in advance places, where she withdrawls $100. Why? Well, this is what she needed the car for, her best friend that moved to Tennessee was visiting agin, wanted the car to go pick her up in Denver, and have money to do stuff with her. Fine, I guess I'm not going into work today. I decide to be nice, and pick up her friend. We drive there in record time, pick her up. All goes well, it's not looking like a bad day after all. We get chinese for all of us, and good times are had by all.

There was even an incident with Jenny. We were headed up to the card shop, when she caled once again. Misty pretty muched grabbed the phone and told her she was my girlfriend and told her not to call. While it was the wrong thing to do, I was kind of hoping someone else spoke their mind. Well, she said she hated me when I got the phone back, where as then I said "good" and hung up. Later, she left a message telling me that she ahad a boyfriend that she loved with all of her heart and yada yada, blah blah. I didn't even finish the message, just deleted it, I hope that's done with.

Still, all fine and dandy
Then Misty's other friends show up, a bunch of them.

And what do they do? They go out and get as much alcahol as they can, then sit on our front porch and get drunk. Misty says she's not drinking, because she has to go to work, yeah... Anyway, they sit out there for a while, more people I don't know show up, then Misty and Co disappear for thirty minutes. That's when Bruce and I were on a walk (I'm carrying a sword everywhere with me when I walk now). They come back and they have drugs. So much for Misty going to work, she decides to get stoned off her ass. Now, she's missing more work for no reason, didn't even called in... she's getting fired, we're pretty sure of this.

That'll mean only three of us will be paying rent if she is. That's more drain on my income. Unless I can get a credit card from somewhere, anywhere, I don't think I'll be able to go on the trip. I don't care about the interest, anything will work, anything. That's worse case of course, but we're pretty sure Misty isn't going to be in that job for very much longer. Especially if she gets stoned again tonight...

There is nothing, and I mean nothing, to be happy about these days... why do I even bother...